Encore, Encore

Symphony

Several readers have commented that my last dialog had the essence of ‘peace’ and ‘soul-healing’.

I agree.  I’ve figured out some techniques that slow the ‘anger monster’, providing space between the beginning and the end.

Separation is the key to extinguishing the flames of rage.  In an escalating situation, what do bystanders instinctively attempt?  Separation.  If your kids are fighting, they get separated and separate timeouts.  One of the most powerful management tools in any of my marriages was allowing the other the freedom to walk away as needed.  The ability to tell your partner “I need ten minutes.  I promise to continue this discussion” should be used and respected.  Too often, that request is denied.  Demands for immediate resolution are made and the other party feels backed into a corner with no voice.

When flight isn’t successful, fight raises its dukes.

Chemically, our brains cannot handle the flood of chemicals involved in unrelenting frustrations.  We call it a cascade.  Our “Emotional Response Team” is instantly prepared for ‘fight or flight’, and the hormones released are the same as they would be for encountering a bear.  There is no time to think clearly, and it’s the quickest reaction our bodies have.  I jump eight feet and perform three aerial ninja moves every time I hit a spider web or see something curled up in the grass.  I can’t even form intelligible words in those moments.  It’s the same exact reaction, physiologically, as being in a heated argument.  As spouses, partners, and friends in any relationship, we must start to acknowledge this in our everyday interactions.

This reaction, our limbic system, is the essence of self-preservation.  Our entire body is hit with a tidal wave of adrenaline, sharpening our focus and preparing for battle.  Identify your opponent, let them get close enough and you’ll recognize your own reflection.  Be mindful of what battle lays ahead and figure out a way to put space between you and the detonate button.  I’ve started putting fire extinguishers next to my emotional fuel cans.  I’m building a collection of extinguishers

My friends’ comments caused me to read my writing from a reader’s perspective.  Initially, I felt apologetic and embarrassed at my levels of exposure.   I snuffed those sparks with the courage extinguisher, and the fires of self-loathing doubt never ignited.  I trust this will inspire others to follow my lead, investigating their emotions and reactions.

Music is a giant source of peace and inspiration for me.  Most of my writing times are accompanied by a mix of one genre, but if a song speaks to me deeply, I will play it on repeat for days. The song “People Don’t Talk About” by the Reklaws has been a favorite.  Some lines from the song:

“Better keep quiet if you want to fit in”

“I want to know everything you don’t say out loud”

“Say it all, then say the rest”

“If you let it out, you can let it in”

I had a childhood friend whose mom was going through it.  She’d written a letter and attempted to read it to his family at dinner.  Struggling, she asked their dad to read it.  He did, to himself, then folded it away, stating they did not need to hear it.

His mom was attempting to let it out so she could let them in. 

She was trying to decrease the feedback of her hurts by adding more speakers, but their speaker wires were not connected.  That chance for family harmony became dissonate.  Her vulnerability should have been a cello, but her bow had been taken away by the conductor.

This is no fault of the parents.  They managed their own emotional intelligence based on the score they were provided during their rehearsals.  They then taught their children their own variations of the main score they’d practiced for so long.

If we suffer emotional deficits during youth, we yearn to fill those deficits throughout our adult lives.  Our fields did not contain all the necessary nutrients for a complete growing season.  I believe my yearning for connection augmented, leaching nutrients from my soul-soil, leaving other emotional facets malnourished instead. 

Flowers always grow towards warmth and light, even if they get sundried.  I felt like a moth to a bonfire of a pretty girl.  Those feelings usually held no stability or longevity, especially with my rudimentary understanding of them.  Three marriages can be connected by a drawstring of tethers anchored on the quicksands of ‘felt emotions’. 

Thank you for writing this symphony with me.  You are my orchestra.  Take chances and be vulnerable with your peers.  Practice your cello and find the right audience who appreciates your solo act.  You will receive deserved applause, and as the heavy fabric curtains of life slowly draw together, a unified crescendo of cheers as you stand tall on the stage of Life to take your bow…

“Encore… Encore..!  Encore!”

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